We all recognize that true love can be a beautiful thing. It can hit you like a ton of bricks or start out slowly and blossom as time goes on. Regardless of how, when and with whom you fall in love, make no mistake: love has the potential to drive you completely insane.
“What are you doing?”
“ Where are you going?”
“ Who are you going out with?”
“ What time will you be home?”
As soon as you say those three little words, you will have to answer questions like these on a daily basis. And when you are permitted to go out, the evening will be filled with phone calls, text messages and illuminated banners trailing behind airplanes, all reminding you how loved you are. In reality, what that message is saying is if you do something wrong tonight, I will make you regret the day we ever met. Love, your shnookums.
So trust us when we say that by all means, fall in love, enjoy the complete bliss and happiness at the beginning because soon enough that will fade and the CRAZINESS will emerge. Perfect example is Eric Draven from the Crow. He fell in love with his girlfriend Shelley, both were murdered on Devil’s night and one year later he returned from the grave to kick some major a$# to avenge their deaths. Talk about going mental for someone (although it is kinda romantic).
Catch The Crow tonight at 10pm on TELETOON At Night.
Yeah, the weather is warmer lately. Sort of, on those days when we’re not experiencing the backlash of some global warming-related natural disaster. But that is either here nor there. Today, we are talking about not dressing like a moron. More specifically, we are telling you not to wear summer clothes just yet.
Please, spare us the sight of that cutoff shorts-clad idiot on the sidewalk who struggles not to let on that he is slowly becoming hypothermic. Don’t be the overeager dimwit who sits next to us in a meeting sporting a flimsy new summer dress, shivering in all her sleeveless, bare-legged glory.
Your pasty legs haven’t seen the sun in months. We get it; you’re excited to get your tan on and to get rid of the itchy pants. However, we’re not ready to see your blinding white winter gams just yet, and the sound of your teeth chattering is beyond annoying. Spring has only just begun, and it’s still snowing in some parts of the country. So save some of that exposure for later, and opt for a gradual metamorphosis instead.
That’s all really.
The weather is finally warming and the wooly, itchy layers are finally coming off. At this point, you are likely coming to two realizations:
a) Patio season is upon us;
b) Your winter hibernation has left you with a cushy yet unattractive extra layer on your person.
These conflicting realities may leave you feeling a perplexing mix of joy and horror. But rest assured that thanks to TELETOON at Night, sacrifice is not necessary. Simply follow these simple tips and nail that svelte look without forgoing the pints or visiting a gym.
1. BEARDS: They not only conceal scars and pimples, they dissimulate your new double chin like no other. Groom the sides into sharp angles for faux cheek bones. WIN! For the ladies, we recommend the face-elongating beehive, a classic slimming look.
Wish that was you, partying with a bunch of babes and wearing luxurious loungewear?
Today, the Hef turns 84. In his honour, we’re providing a few tips to help you emulate him, ever so slightly. You’re no octogenarian millionaire, but let’s see what can be done, shall we?
Buy a robe. Silk, velour -whatever feels nice- in a rich colour. For you studs on a budget, try the lingerie section of that bargain store your mom loves so much. A nice deep purple is manly enough, and no one will ever know.
Play the part. Always be ready to entertain. Stock your bedroom with smoove music, tasty treats and mood lights. Maybe a leopard-print throw and a nice matching ottoman, even. Consider stashing the Twilight posters and that shrine you built for your late dog Herman.
Get a pipe. Don’t light it or anything. Just hold it to your lips and stare into the distance. Try doing this for a few seconds every time someone asks you a question. Answer slowly. Squint.
Date, unabashedly. Our dear Hugh can juggle seven girlfriends at once. So put yourself out there, champ! Score the phone numbers, set up a group restaurant outing, and brace yourself for the arrival of your multiple dates. If you act like the situation is completely normal, they might buy into it. Speak openly about your intentions to develop a harem and the ladies will respect your honesty. If this last one works for you, email in to tell us how.
Ahh Spring! The air smells different, the days are longer, the birds are chirping – time to shake off the winter blahs and prep for a new season. The downside? Spring showers and… spring cleaning. So I’m switching things up a bit! Instead of throwing out my collection of beer bottles and vacuuming my pet dust bunnies, I’m going to clean up my act. Or try…
Here are the guidelines I’ve set.
Tip 1: Mmm… Cheese Lettuce
You might have acquired a sweet new spare tire from all the winter holiday treats. It’s just that the gym is so far, and sweaty… When time is being eaten away by important things like patio season, one must compromise by making better choices. Meaning, get the salad with your burger & beer! Or pass on the second cupcake (um, maybe you should pass on the first cupcake too).
Tip 2: Out with the old, in with the new
Hoarding memories and mementos of your previous relationship is a drag! You broke up with that jerk for a reason. Now it’s time to torch those tokens (photos, underwear, lock of hair…whatever). Think about it…will your current beau / belle (or future one) appreciate you hanging on to memories that (s)he can’t compete with?
Tip 3: Party!
Tip #1 and #2 are prep work for this. Get your salad-eating, memento-burning dynamite self out and meet people! Attached or not, the injection of vitamin D from the finally visible sun makes us all happier more approachable people. Make new friends & expand your social circle!
Tip 4: Turn over a new leaf!
Know that obligatory house-warming plant that lies dead on your windowsill? Well – pick the cigarette butts out of the pot and fill it with soil and an actual plant…a tulip, an African violet? Actually, better start with a cactus – baby steps. Communing with nature is relaxing and inspirational, and makes you feel almost like you’ve grown into an urbane adult! If you kill it, well… there’s always next spring.